Emptiness

Feeling alone and miserable is a familiar feeling. You feel this way generally when you have lost something really important in life. It could be your job, someone you loved, a relationship, a friendship, anything. At these times, they say that the best thing to do is to keep a brave heart, and introspect. Even better, try and spend time with someone totally unrelated to your own tragedy. Keeping your mind occupied on other, simpler things eases the pain. Soon, you start feeling more normal again. The pain which you felt before from your loss lessens. You feel as though it was all a part of a distant dream – something that happened several million years ago. You think about yourself as a person now and then, and then realise – exactly how much you have changed.


But then it happens again. And again. Several times. Fate plunges its knife at you several times, like a serial killer gone completely psychotic. You keep telling yourself – This time, I have learned. Like Eminem – you firmly vow – There will be a No next time. Unfortunately, real life isn’t like the Simpsons. It isn’t a show where someone will read the moral of the story, and you move on. Real life is a lot more complicated than that. You end up becoming a victim – helpless, defenceless, and wounded.

But what is the end product of this mess? You start feeling completely empty. This is the price your soul pays after your dignity has been attacked – not once, but several times. You lead a normal life as per social norms – you meet up with people, you go to work, you party, read – do all the stuff which a normal happy person usually does. But deep down inside, you know that it really isn’t you. Your heart is just not in it. You realise that every single word out of your mouth is purely mechanical – you feel like a robot which has been specially programmed to behave human. Someone cries – you offer sympathy. Someone laughs – you laugh with them. You have a one night stand with some random guy – you smile and say goodbye. But you know that deep down inside, you don’t feel a thing.

But there is always hope. And this is the magic of life. It takes a hit at you yet again – but from a completely different side. And when it does, instead of feeling miserable and angry – or even empty – you actually feel wonderful. Because the hurt that you feel, the pain that makes you well up – makes you realise that you are not completely stone. There are still feelings left in you – there is still something. And this is the something that you have to hang on to.

Maybe you will not get exactly what you wanted. Maybe you will not get where you wanted to be, in the time that you expected. But you gotta realise – life is a huge gamble. You play right, you win. And the key to playing right, is to trust your own instincts. And if you lose – well, you have to survive that.

The Gamble that is Love

Nah, this isnt about a dog. Its not even as serious as it sounds... nobody died, and so if you are expecting something dead serious, then you can think again.



Its just that sometimes... Well, most of the time, life is a real bitch. It gives you a whole new world.. it makes you feel as though you rule. But then, it takes it all away. You suddenly find someday that you have been living in a dream, and that everything is not what it seems. Its like - the joke's on you, and you never knew it all along.



There are a lot of movies about love, and life. That whole thing about finding yourself, and who you are, and then finding true love, and knowing yourself enough to say that it is what you really want - well, in my opinions its all crap. Thats because most of these movies only tell you the good stuff that makes you believes things which are statistically improbable. They conviniently leave out all those little things which really defines life or relationships. Smart n confused boy/gal oneday suddenly gets it all - career, life, social status and love, because of some event that occurs in the movie. There are also a lot of movies that tell you to be courageous - to kiss slowly, confess quickly, laugh loudly, and love truly. They dont however, tell you how to deal with times when you feel as though your life is an abyss - like its stuck at one point, and no matter how much you try, you just cant move past.



But here is what I feel. I feel that its not about "finding courage". Its more like "taking the gamble". Its all very easy to believe all the crap that movies,songs and books throw out at you, not to mention all the gyaan you recieve from various people around you - well wishers of course. But when what you fear the most happens, when you lose the person you love the most because you believed a bit too much, or too soon, then you find yourself all alone. You dont really wanna be with any of those well wishers, and you only feel like screaming when you see movies, or read romance novels. And you dont even want to be with your friends - because although they are concerned about your sadness, they dont really get it. And there are certain things, which no one can ever tell or advise you. FOr instance, no one can tell you what to do when you feel desparate. No one tells you how to deal with gnawing feelings of loss, and how to shut that stupid voice in your head, which keeps reminding you of the way the whole situation started - because of your own impromptu decision. No one can tell you what to do or how to make yourself feel better when a voice in your head keeps saying over and over again - This is your own fault.



So basically, you come to the conclusion that it is useless to even believe that there is something called as the "perfect love story" or even "perfect relationship". Take a look in the chronicals - have the people who have been in perfect love stories ever lasted? Romeo and Juliet died tragically, So dod Laila & Majnu, Heer & Ranjha, Sohni and Mahiwal - even in P.S I love you, the couple had a perfect love story - which ended in tragedy because Gerry got a tumour and died. The rest of the stories in the world - either end in complete boredom where love eventually dies a sad death, or the people who get married just end up compromising on everything, and focusing on other aspects of life.



Is it worth making such a decision? Just to shut the mouths of nosy neighbours and annoying relatives, is it really worth gambling your life away, and then conceeding to be in a marriage that is just not you? Or is it worth taking the risk and admitting your love to the perfect someone when you meet them, knowing that it would most probably end in heartbreak, and the subsequent loss of a wonderful friend from your life forever? Is the perfect love story - which has everlasting passion, friendship, joy and companionship - and which is so elusive for some reason only god knows - worth the risk?