When the going gets tough

Too common. I know. Please dont groan. Please read the entire blog before you dismiss it as unneccesarry and mundane. I promise you, I ll not write the usual crap about life and I wont give any gyaan. Well, I ll try to keep it to a minimal.

My mother always tells me that as a child, I was adorable. I was chubby and good-tempered always. Except for a phase when I couldn't bear anyone to even look at me, and would resort to high - pitched screaming if anybody committed that grievous mistake - clearly my extreme levels of social discomfort was obvious right since then. Even later, as a teenager and a college - goer, I was a positive, sunny-natured and happy - go - lucky person who had all her priorities right and was in love with the world. Everything went right for me - I had great friends, I did extremely well in my studies, met the love of my life, partied hard and landed a great job in a great company. Even at my job, I had wonderful colleagues, and I succeeded in gaining admission into a good b-school.

But somehow along the way, I changed. I became cynical, bitter and disappointed. I went spiralling down from bad to worse. I lost many friends - a couple to death, others to fate. B-school turned out to be a hasty decision. I lost a job that I enjoyed and which was paying me well to a life full of rejection, pain and loss. I had no confidence in myself anymore and I no longer believed in life or any of its magic. I felt it was over for me - and that I ll never be able to get out of the darkness. dark thoughts plagued me night and day, I couldn't be civil to anybody, and I fell deeper into darkness, hid in it, even revelled in it, mostly because I did not like myself anymore - and it was too hard to face the truth. It was much easier to hide.

But then, again, God took mercy on me. I was given opportunities that I never expected and which gave me some of my old confidence back. I realised, that the only thing that was coming in between me and happiness was myself.

So, I here I am. Hopefully, on the path of healing. I have accomplished the 1st step - understood what was going on. I am trying to accept myself, and life. I tell myself daily, that in order for other people to feel like giving me opportunities, I must first of all love myself, and forgive myself. If I don't love myself, or respect myself, nobody will. And as far as life is concerned - I have accepted that I cannot control it. The things that I can control - like taking sensible day-to-day decisions, being positive and taking responsibility for myself are being taken care of by me - finally. I am not using pathetic excuses anymore to avoid taking responsibility of my own actions. I am not totally in charge yet, but I know I will get there. I am getting there.

Even if I cannot anymore find that happy girl who I used to be and love, I will cherish her memories, accept her loss and move on. And meanwhile, I will understand the girl who has taken her place, and try to forgive her. She needs my love and attention too - We both need each other now more than ever- else we will both fall apart.