There is no way by which I can begin this post. How does one start to describe their feelings when they have lost every reason to live? When life looks like an endless obstacle course, with absolutely no goal to bear them for? Everything feels just too depressing, things which I once cared about feel meaningless, and there is absolutely no reason for me to go on.
Random thoughts - what if I end it all? everything would be over. No matter what people say, about living life, about appreciating the value of life, etc, etc... all feels like bullshit. The truth is that there is no end to the nonsense which the world will put you through. the world has changed now... it is no more a place where people who are loving, caring and straightforward can survive. there is only place for the mean, the cowardly, the uncaring, the selfish, and the people who never reveal what they are really thinking, even if it were god standing before them. If the whole world is this way, then there is no use of being yourself. And if you cannot be yourself, there is no point in living.
People are weird these days.I remember the good old days when we were taught that as long as your intentions are good, you will always be able to get your message through. Not anymore. people these days judge everyone according to the way they see themselves. if they themselves are capable of cheating, lying and manipulating someone, they automatically assume you are too. No one stops to think that you are a different person, and that you may have genuine reasons for your actions. There is absolutely no logic applied in such situations - people simply judge you the way they want to, since they just need a reason to reject you from their lives. And you may fall dead before them, but they will never admit that this is how they feel.
And so, one may ask, what is the whole point of living? It is all a lie - the truth is that no one gives a rat's ass. And after all the money and the power in the world, what is the use when you cannot share it with people who you really love? and someone who loves you back - with all your faults.
This isn't a suicide note. All I was trying to do is introspect into the minds of the people who feel this way. But the, i feel at times like this, it is like working the treadmill. It feels extremely exhausting as you are running on it - the blood is pounding through your head. You feel that you need to hit the emergency stop button - and now. But then there is a voice whispering - just a little more, just a little more. And then your workout completes ultimately. You then feel extremely proud of yourself - because you did not give up.
Maybe that what life is all about. Pushing yourself to test your own limits of forbearance. So maybe, giving life another chance is worth it. Maybe we don't need to find a reason right now - maybe we should, for a change, let the reason find us.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Somebody needs you
Like a shining star, you light up my way,
Like the singing bird, you brighten my day,
Your eyes are beacons of hope and trust,
Your words are dew drops to my thirst
My heart lightens up at your very name,
My love flares up like a new flame,
But you are always so far away
Do you even hear what i say?
You are always so lost in a world of your own,
Unaware of the love that has grown,
In my heart, for you - my love,
You smile unaware, and give me a casual shrug
But there is something you should know,
There is someone who loves you so,
Somebody needs you now,
Somebody wants your love somehow.
Somebody's thoughts are full of you,
Somebody prays for you and only you,
Somebody looks for reasons to take your name,
Somebody doesn't feel anymore the same.
Open up your eyes, talk to me
Feel my love, see the love in me,
Open up your heart, and you will see,
I am your only destiny.
Like the singing bird, you brighten my day,
Your eyes are beacons of hope and trust,
Your words are dew drops to my thirst
My heart lightens up at your very name,
My love flares up like a new flame,
But you are always so far away
Do you even hear what i say?
You are always so lost in a world of your own,
Unaware of the love that has grown,
In my heart, for you - my love,
You smile unaware, and give me a casual shrug
But there is something you should know,
There is someone who loves you so,
Somebody needs you now,
Somebody wants your love somehow.
Somebody's thoughts are full of you,
Somebody prays for you and only you,
Somebody looks for reasons to take your name,
Somebody doesn't feel anymore the same.
Open up your eyes, talk to me
Feel my love, see the love in me,
Open up your heart, and you will see,
I am your only destiny.
Friday, May 14, 2010
When the going gets tough
Too common. I know. Please dont groan. Please read the entire blog before you dismiss it as unneccesarry and mundane. I promise you, I ll not write the usual crap about life and I wont give any gyaan. Well, I ll try to keep it to a minimal.
My mother always tells me that as a child, I was adorable. I was chubby and good-tempered always. Except for a phase when I couldn't bear anyone to even look at me, and would resort to high - pitched screaming if anybody committed that grievous mistake - clearly my extreme levels of social discomfort was obvious right since then. Even later, as a teenager and a college - goer, I was a positive, sunny-natured and happy - go - lucky person who had all her priorities right and was in love with the world. Everything went right for me - I had great friends, I did extremely well in my studies, met the love of my life, partied hard and landed a great job in a great company. Even at my job, I had wonderful colleagues, and I succeeded in gaining admission into a good b-school.
But somehow along the way, I changed. I became cynical, bitter and disappointed. I went spiralling down from bad to worse. I lost many friends - a couple to death, others to fate. B-school turned out to be a hasty decision. I lost a job that I enjoyed and which was paying me well to a life full of rejection, pain and loss. I had no confidence in myself anymore and I no longer believed in life or any of its magic. I felt it was over for me - and that I ll never be able to get out of the darkness. dark thoughts plagued me night and day, I couldn't be civil to anybody, and I fell deeper into darkness, hid in it, even revelled in it, mostly because I did not like myself anymore - and it was too hard to face the truth. It was much easier to hide.
But then, again, God took mercy on me. I was given opportunities that I never expected and which gave me some of my old confidence back. I realised, that the only thing that was coming in between me and happiness was myself.
So, I here I am. Hopefully, on the path of healing. I have accomplished the 1st step - understood what was going on. I am trying to accept myself, and life. I tell myself daily, that in order for other people to feel like giving me opportunities, I must first of all love myself, and forgive myself. If I don't love myself, or respect myself, nobody will. And as far as life is concerned - I have accepted that I cannot control it. The things that I can control - like taking sensible day-to-day decisions, being positive and taking responsibility for myself are being taken care of by me - finally. I am not using pathetic excuses anymore to avoid taking responsibility of my own actions. I am not totally in charge yet, but I know I will get there. I am getting there.
Even if I cannot anymore find that happy girl who I used to be and love, I will cherish her memories, accept her loss and move on. And meanwhile, I will understand the girl who has taken her place, and try to forgive her. She needs my love and attention too - We both need each other now more than ever- else we will both fall apart.
My mother always tells me that as a child, I was adorable. I was chubby and good-tempered always. Except for a phase when I couldn't bear anyone to even look at me, and would resort to high - pitched screaming if anybody committed that grievous mistake - clearly my extreme levels of social discomfort was obvious right since then. Even later, as a teenager and a college - goer, I was a positive, sunny-natured and happy - go - lucky person who had all her priorities right and was in love with the world. Everything went right for me - I had great friends, I did extremely well in my studies, met the love of my life, partied hard and landed a great job in a great company. Even at my job, I had wonderful colleagues, and I succeeded in gaining admission into a good b-school.
But somehow along the way, I changed. I became cynical, bitter and disappointed. I went spiralling down from bad to worse. I lost many friends - a couple to death, others to fate. B-school turned out to be a hasty decision. I lost a job that I enjoyed and which was paying me well to a life full of rejection, pain and loss. I had no confidence in myself anymore and I no longer believed in life or any of its magic. I felt it was over for me - and that I ll never be able to get out of the darkness. dark thoughts plagued me night and day, I couldn't be civil to anybody, and I fell deeper into darkness, hid in it, even revelled in it, mostly because I did not like myself anymore - and it was too hard to face the truth. It was much easier to hide.
But then, again, God took mercy on me. I was given opportunities that I never expected and which gave me some of my old confidence back. I realised, that the only thing that was coming in between me and happiness was myself.
So, I here I am. Hopefully, on the path of healing. I have accomplished the 1st step - understood what was going on. I am trying to accept myself, and life. I tell myself daily, that in order for other people to feel like giving me opportunities, I must first of all love myself, and forgive myself. If I don't love myself, or respect myself, nobody will. And as far as life is concerned - I have accepted that I cannot control it. The things that I can control - like taking sensible day-to-day decisions, being positive and taking responsibility for myself are being taken care of by me - finally. I am not using pathetic excuses anymore to avoid taking responsibility of my own actions. I am not totally in charge yet, but I know I will get there. I am getting there.
Even if I cannot anymore find that happy girl who I used to be and love, I will cherish her memories, accept her loss and move on. And meanwhile, I will understand the girl who has taken her place, and try to forgive her. She needs my love and attention too - We both need each other now more than ever- else we will both fall apart.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Voluntarily Yours!!
As we move into the new age, colleges and institutions are becoming more and more focussed towards working for social causes. Students studying various courses are now using a part of their spare time to help the under privileged. While most B-school students focus on using their newly acquired (or otherwise) marketing skills, financial acumen or entrepreneurship skills to provide a better means of livelihood to various people, like HIV\AIDS affected women, local artists of remote villages, and various others; students from other courses help the society in other ways, like organising blood donation camps, de-worming programmes at various slums, etc.
But few students volunteer at certain places – like suicide prevention help lines, old-age homes, adoption centres, teaching slum kids, etc. These programmes usually involve providing emotional support and other means of guidance to the under – privileged. They are like vocations – they need training, certain amount of natural skills like patience, kindness and devotion, and most of all, they need dedication. Students may not always join for the right reasons – such students may eventually drop out of these programmes.
These programmes can only be truly successful if the volunteers perform the activities with a true heart and an unselfish mind. These activities won’t be successful if people treat them like just another job that needs to be done for gaining some personal benefit. Successful programmes are those whose volunteers are passionate about the cause, and give the cause a top priority over other personal activities. People who join due to selfish reasons – like getting a certificate to make their CV look better – eventually lose interest and leave the programme. But in doing so, they break their commitment to the people who needed their help and who did not deserve to be abandoned again.
So before you volunteer, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes, volunteering helps you find qualities in yourself that you did not know you had – like ability to understand people, or selflessness. These programmes - when done unselfishly, without expecting anything in return - give you joys which even a bank job in the US will never be able to provide. They give you a sense of inner peace and belonging. Sometimes, the images which we will have to deal with may be pretty disturbing. Sometimes, we may have to forego the things which we dearly love – like movies with friends, picnics, parties, etc and make compromises. But your heart feels cleansed and light – which makes it all worth it. They say, God is in all our hearts, we need to accept and feel his presence. No wonder then, these programmes make you feel this way – Because, after all, serving people is the best way to serve god.
But few students volunteer at certain places – like suicide prevention help lines, old-age homes, adoption centres, teaching slum kids, etc. These programmes usually involve providing emotional support and other means of guidance to the under – privileged. They are like vocations – they need training, certain amount of natural skills like patience, kindness and devotion, and most of all, they need dedication. Students may not always join for the right reasons – such students may eventually drop out of these programmes.
These programmes can only be truly successful if the volunteers perform the activities with a true heart and an unselfish mind. These activities won’t be successful if people treat them like just another job that needs to be done for gaining some personal benefit. Successful programmes are those whose volunteers are passionate about the cause, and give the cause a top priority over other personal activities. People who join due to selfish reasons – like getting a certificate to make their CV look better – eventually lose interest and leave the programme. But in doing so, they break their commitment to the people who needed their help and who did not deserve to be abandoned again.
So before you volunteer, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes, volunteering helps you find qualities in yourself that you did not know you had – like ability to understand people, or selflessness. These programmes - when done unselfishly, without expecting anything in return - give you joys which even a bank job in the US will never be able to provide. They give you a sense of inner peace and belonging. Sometimes, the images which we will have to deal with may be pretty disturbing. Sometimes, we may have to forego the things which we dearly love – like movies with friends, picnics, parties, etc and make compromises. But your heart feels cleansed and light – which makes it all worth it. They say, God is in all our hearts, we need to accept and feel his presence. No wonder then, these programmes make you feel this way – Because, after all, serving people is the best way to serve god.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mystery
It is defined as "Something that is not fully understood or that baffles or eludes the understanding; an enigma".
It can be found everywhere. It is a mystery, when you can't find your keys that you know you had placed right on the table. It is a mystery, when you can't figure out the solution to the problem you think you should have been able to solve. It is a mystery, why your mother does the dishes each night when the servant will turn up the next day anyway.
It is a mystery, why the guy next to the water cooler looks so anxious all the time. It is a mystery, why your boyfriend, who is so logical and clear headed, just can't stop being over possessive. And it is a mystery, why you need to know what baffles you. We are surrounded by mystery. It is with us, around us, outside of our reach, and within us. It puzzles, baffles, infuriates and saddens. And yet, without it, life wouldn't be itself.
The question isn't what the mystery is. It is not even what the most important and darkest mystery is. The question is - when you are confronted by one, how do you deal with it? Do you tell yourself "Who cares" and ignore it? Do you puzzle over it occasionally, like when you are doing your laundry? Or do you make it your top priority and don't give up until you have solved it?
Some of us, resort to ignoring. After all.. somebody did say "Ignorance is bliss". We feel that life is complicated enough, and we have too many things to worry about anyway. So why add to the load? Some others, wonder occasionally. And hope that the answer comes to them, eventually. Some of them succeed. Some mysteries are like eggs... they are best left to be hatched by time. Breaking into it would be... a waste of time.. and beauty.
But few of us, confront these mysteries. Particularly- the most scary ones. We know, that we may not like what we find. We know, by instinct, that the mystery can't be solved unless we get personally involved. And we plunge into the bottomless pit, knowing fully well that it may not be a soft landing, and when would there be a landing at all.
We plunge, because we feel tormented. We feel like the answer is staring at us in our faces but we are not able to recognize it. We feel that unless we know, we cannot rest. We cant rest because either we want our life to go back to normal, or we want life as we know it, to change forever. And it is these plunges we take that define the turning points of our lives. People who do take these chances, may not emerge successful always. But the turbulences in their minds do settle down. And it is for the sake of those still waters, that they take the plunge. Life becomes exciting and meaningful when it has a purpose. Trying to find answers to life's mysteries gives an insuperable thrill, a purpose and a direction that we crave.
So the next time you feel that incessant knocking at the corner of your mind, think twice before ignoring it. That is your instinct knocking... and it is never wrong. Trust it, befriend it, and follow its direction.
"When you have solved all the mysteries of life you long for death, for it is but another mystery of life" - Kahil Gibran
It can be found everywhere. It is a mystery, when you can't find your keys that you know you had placed right on the table. It is a mystery, when you can't figure out the solution to the problem you think you should have been able to solve. It is a mystery, why your mother does the dishes each night when the servant will turn up the next day anyway.
It is a mystery, why the guy next to the water cooler looks so anxious all the time. It is a mystery, why your boyfriend, who is so logical and clear headed, just can't stop being over possessive. And it is a mystery, why you need to know what baffles you. We are surrounded by mystery. It is with us, around us, outside of our reach, and within us. It puzzles, baffles, infuriates and saddens. And yet, without it, life wouldn't be itself.
The question isn't what the mystery is. It is not even what the most important and darkest mystery is. The question is - when you are confronted by one, how do you deal with it? Do you tell yourself "Who cares" and ignore it? Do you puzzle over it occasionally, like when you are doing your laundry? Or do you make it your top priority and don't give up until you have solved it?
Some of us, resort to ignoring. After all.. somebody did say "Ignorance is bliss". We feel that life is complicated enough, and we have too many things to worry about anyway. So why add to the load? Some others, wonder occasionally. And hope that the answer comes to them, eventually. Some of them succeed. Some mysteries are like eggs... they are best left to be hatched by time. Breaking into it would be... a waste of time.. and beauty.
But few of us, confront these mysteries. Particularly- the most scary ones. We know, that we may not like what we find. We know, by instinct, that the mystery can't be solved unless we get personally involved. And we plunge into the bottomless pit, knowing fully well that it may not be a soft landing, and when would there be a landing at all.
We plunge, because we feel tormented. We feel like the answer is staring at us in our faces but we are not able to recognize it. We feel that unless we know, we cannot rest. We cant rest because either we want our life to go back to normal, or we want life as we know it, to change forever. And it is these plunges we take that define the turning points of our lives. People who do take these chances, may not emerge successful always. But the turbulences in their minds do settle down. And it is for the sake of those still waters, that they take the plunge. Life becomes exciting and meaningful when it has a purpose. Trying to find answers to life's mysteries gives an insuperable thrill, a purpose and a direction that we crave.
So the next time you feel that incessant knocking at the corner of your mind, think twice before ignoring it. That is your instinct knocking... and it is never wrong. Trust it, befriend it, and follow its direction.
"When you have solved all the mysteries of life you long for death, for it is but another mystery of life" - Kahil Gibran
Saturday, February 13, 2010
La Douleur Exquise
Romance. Seems cheesy in the modern world. A world where men are too busy competing with women to sweep them off their feet, and women have too much power and dont need to be rescued. In a world like this, does romance exist? And if it does, then in what disguises?
What does one mean by romance? It means the phase when life feels like a dream. When your feet is no longer touching the ground, and your heart has wings. The practical, cynical part of you takes a vacation, and your eyes are the stars that bejewel the night. When your every hope, every faith, every wish, every breath, every heartbeat seems to belong to only 1 person. When the world seems to be just the 2 of you, and no one else.
In the world today, where cell phones are loud enough to wake the dead, organizers control every day of your life, the screen of the comp the only light you see, and responsibilities not giving you even a second to breathe, romance comes in short and measured phases.
I sometimes imagine whether the authors of summer romance stories, like "Bridges of Madison County", "Vicky Christina barcelona", and so on... knew what the world was coming to. Whether they had realised that soon, people would not have time to cherish romance for the rest of their lives. Nor would they have the patience to wait for their soulmates. So they would have to recognize, and surrender to that passionate, unattainable love, whenever it entered their life, no matter for how short a time.
It could come at a time when you are least expecting it. it could come at a time when you are single, in a relationship, married or engaged to be married. It could last 6 months. Or 3. Or even a day. But the memories will haunt you forever. You will spend your whole life, fondly thinking of those mesmerising moments when you had lived an entire lifetime with your soulmate within a span of few minutes,hours or weeks. Those exquisite moments when you felt special, cherished and touched. You felt beautiful, loved and a sweet yearning for your soulmate. Soon, real life and its cynicism will take over, and those moments will remain mere memories.
Romance could be short lived in a long relationship - like the first 6 months in a newly married couple , or a committed relationship. Or it could be in the form of freedom - which a young woman gives herself to fall in love with a man of her dreams before she marries the one who is right for her. It could be a matter of a few minutes, when 2 strangers share a beautiful conversation at a party and then part ways, with no exchange of realities like phone numbers or even names, and thus lose each other forever.
What makes us fall so hopelessly in love? What happens during those few minutes, when love is about that - just love. pure and unadulterated. When even the most clumsy oaf becomes graceful. When the most negative person blushes shyly and lowers her eyes. When the plainest Janes sparkle with beauty. What happens in those few minutes, when we let our guards down and throw ourselves to life's embrace?
Whatever it is, it dosent last for ever. Because, if it did, there would be nothing exquisite about it.
What does one mean by romance? It means the phase when life feels like a dream. When your feet is no longer touching the ground, and your heart has wings. The practical, cynical part of you takes a vacation, and your eyes are the stars that bejewel the night. When your every hope, every faith, every wish, every breath, every heartbeat seems to belong to only 1 person. When the world seems to be just the 2 of you, and no one else.
In the world today, where cell phones are loud enough to wake the dead, organizers control every day of your life, the screen of the comp the only light you see, and responsibilities not giving you even a second to breathe, romance comes in short and measured phases.
I sometimes imagine whether the authors of summer romance stories, like "Bridges of Madison County", "Vicky Christina barcelona", and so on... knew what the world was coming to. Whether they had realised that soon, people would not have time to cherish romance for the rest of their lives. Nor would they have the patience to wait for their soulmates. So they would have to recognize, and surrender to that passionate, unattainable love, whenever it entered their life, no matter for how short a time.
It could come at a time when you are least expecting it. it could come at a time when you are single, in a relationship, married or engaged to be married. It could last 6 months. Or 3. Or even a day. But the memories will haunt you forever. You will spend your whole life, fondly thinking of those mesmerising moments when you had lived an entire lifetime with your soulmate within a span of few minutes,hours or weeks. Those exquisite moments when you felt special, cherished and touched. You felt beautiful, loved and a sweet yearning for your soulmate. Soon, real life and its cynicism will take over, and those moments will remain mere memories.
Romance could be short lived in a long relationship - like the first 6 months in a newly married couple , or a committed relationship. Or it could be in the form of freedom - which a young woman gives herself to fall in love with a man of her dreams before she marries the one who is right for her. It could be a matter of a few minutes, when 2 strangers share a beautiful conversation at a party and then part ways, with no exchange of realities like phone numbers or even names, and thus lose each other forever.
What makes us fall so hopelessly in love? What happens during those few minutes, when love is about that - just love. pure and unadulterated. When even the most clumsy oaf becomes graceful. When the most negative person blushes shyly and lowers her eyes. When the plainest Janes sparkle with beauty. What happens in those few minutes, when we let our guards down and throw ourselves to life's embrace?
Whatever it is, it dosent last for ever. Because, if it did, there would be nothing exquisite about it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Pain
There are moments in our life, when things don't happen as we expect them to. We meet unpleasantness, and sometimes even lose the thing that we held closest to our hearts. At those moments we feel sad, disappointed or angry. Sometimes even a combination of the three.
But what happens when our entire belief system is shaken to our very core? When we feel like the foundation we had built our life upon was an illusion, and the beautiful walls and castles we had built come crushing down before our very eyes. We dont know what to believe anymore, we just dont know how to carry on, on what basis to define ourselves, and in which direction to go. We feel like everything we have ever seen or known is a lie, and that life, in its entirety is an abyss where we stand all alone.
It is then we feel the worst pain. Pain of losing ourselves, our hopes, our beliefs. Pain of it never ending, and having to drag on in the misery. We feel suffocated, like we are being drowned, except that we aren't dying either... just endless torcher. Like there are knives tearing and ripping out hearts into pieces.
What are we supposed to do? Nothing we can do can maike the pain go away. And there is of no use trying to be in denial or ignore the problem, cuz they will come back, eventually, and hit us harder than ever. What can we do??
They say time is the biggest healer. But what if you dont have much time? And what is time is not your healer, but your coffin??
Is this what schizophrenics feel, just before they go over the edge? Is this what causes suicidal tendencies? Or an MPD? What happens when someone feels this way, and just wants to give up.... or just stop being themselves?
But what happens when our entire belief system is shaken to our very core? When we feel like the foundation we had built our life upon was an illusion, and the beautiful walls and castles we had built come crushing down before our very eyes. We dont know what to believe anymore, we just dont know how to carry on, on what basis to define ourselves, and in which direction to go. We feel like everything we have ever seen or known is a lie, and that life, in its entirety is an abyss where we stand all alone.
It is then we feel the worst pain. Pain of losing ourselves, our hopes, our beliefs. Pain of it never ending, and having to drag on in the misery. We feel suffocated, like we are being drowned, except that we aren't dying either... just endless torcher. Like there are knives tearing and ripping out hearts into pieces.
What are we supposed to do? Nothing we can do can maike the pain go away. And there is of no use trying to be in denial or ignore the problem, cuz they will come back, eventually, and hit us harder than ever. What can we do??
They say time is the biggest healer. But what if you dont have much time? And what is time is not your healer, but your coffin??
Is this what schizophrenics feel, just before they go over the edge? Is this what causes suicidal tendencies? Or an MPD? What happens when someone feels this way, and just wants to give up.... or just stop being themselves?
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