The Door to Happiness

I have heard of people constantly going on about their search for the “One”. About how it is better to end up with somebody, because the alternate is to be completely alone for the rest of one’s life. And thus, the race begins. For women, this quest begins at the age of 4 or 5. All fairytales preach this exact thing – the ultimate goal is to find that perfect someone and live happily ever after.

Some very brave people asked the question – “What if we don’t find anyone? What happens then?” History says that such questions have been met with incredulity, sternness and more often than not – ridicule. The immediate answers to this question would be “Oh dear! You cannot say that! You have to find someone!” or “You don’t want to wind up all alone” or “Would you like to die knowing that there will be no one to mourn you?” And then these brave people are left speechless. As per popular opinion – the speechlessness is a result of self-doubt and disbelief. It is the result of feeling not being quite sure of what to say.

People – gear up. It’s the digital age. It is perfectly fine – to not have found a soulmate. It is perfectly fine, to want to live life on one’s own terms rather than compromise to the extent of losing one’s identity. After all, in today’s world, “Happily ever after” is very hard to find. Mostly, its “compromise and keep adjusting”, or “end up divorced”. I am not ridiculing the idea of love & marriage – some people do find a love that matures over time. People do find lasting companionship – the right mix of passion, friendship and trust. Some others settle for what is available, and find happiness within their circle of influence. They work hard at their relationships, and even if the love loses some of its sparkle over time, they compromise and create a situation for themselves that they are comfortable in.

But what about some others who are not willing to give up? For some, “settling” isn’t a very good option – these are the people who know exactly what they want. And they realize, that they are not willing to settle for anything but dazzles. Society might say that these people are being unrealistic, and that over time, even the greatest, most dazzling love loses some of the sparkle. Logically – society does have a point. Would Romeo and Juliet continue to love each other with their blinding passion if they hadn’t died tragically? Would Cleopatra and Anthony still have the same fiery passion if their love story had ended with marriage and kids?

I now put forth my argument – is it really wrong to expect nothing but the best? Are the IIT aspirants in our country crazy for spending much of their childhood in cramming textbooks? Are the casting directors of movies completely nuts for spending months over finding the right actor to play an important role? Were Picasso and Monet insane for spending sleepless nights to get every brushstroke right? Just like these people, are certain singles wrong for expecting nothing but the best?

In today’s world, there is a new breed of people. I call these people “steadfast singles”. These people realize that their life is fantastic the way it is. They have wonderful friends and family, and great jobs. They are extremely passionate about everything that they do, and have plenty of hobbies that take up all of their free time. These people never feel old – they only feel wiser and better as they grow older. They have wonderful lives, and are perfectly happy in being alone. They dislike being in relationships, because relationships take up too much of their time and energy – which they would rather devote towards their careers or hobbies. There are plenty of successful people in the world who have led wonderful lives without having to settle. There are also plenty of not very successful, but happy middle aged people who are single (either chronic bachelors or divorced) with exciting lives and/or a sense of inner peace.

They say that when one door closes, another opens. I believe that if one door closes, 5 or even 10 other doors open – providing we are willing to keep our eyes open to them, and not just lament about the door that’s closed. When steadfast singles shut the door on the experiences of marriage and parenthood, it is not necessary that misery and loneliness has to follow. They have, in fact, opened their minds to the other wonderful things that life has to offer. They explore the doors to wonderful friendships, great fitness, spiritual awareness, satisfying careers, and extraordinary adventures.

I would like to say something here to people who snort in derision to the idea of being a steadfast single. We have no control over our futures. We can’t change the past. We only have the present, and the present is wonderful – if we choose to see it that way. The digital world has opened a new freedom movement in society – and the entire point of the new movement is to respect individual choices. It is our choice to decide - whether to take the plunge and settle for the next person we find, or to take life as it comes and turn each day into an exciting opportunity. Rather than insisting that “Happily ever after” is the ultimate goal, we should accept the fact that “Being happy each day” is also a great choice. 

Reflections

There are a few things about which our feelings just don’t change. As we move on through life, we often go through several drastic changes in our own personalities. I, for instance, wouldn’t even recognize “college me”. And “college me” would think that I am a split personality between being a total nutcase and an Indian Martha Stewart. Come to think of it, college me wouldn’t recognize the woman writing this blog, or for that matter, even know who Martha Stewart is!

One of these things for me is moonlight. I have always, always been a sucker for the moon. There is something so beautiful, so pure, so magical, about it that it always calms me down and makes me feel special. There are a few moonlit nights which I distinctly remember – the “Id ka Chaand” during the Ramzan festivals, the beautiful full moon on a late night drive when I was returning from a college concert, the silvery orb that hung slightly above the office building one particularly tiring night when I left office late, the dripping line of silver from the mystic, cat’s eye like moon in Goa, the shimmering night when my dog died – covered with wounds, my tears and moonlight.

When I had first moved to Mumbai, I hated it. Mumbai was crowded, humid and extremely uncomfortable. I was extremely rattled to find that I had left the comforts of home to move into a city which kicked my ass almost every day. Just when I was feeling homesick – I saw the city bathed in the silvery moonlight – and I fell in love. The moonlight showed me what daylight hadn’t – that Mumbai was a city with a heart of its own. Over the years, my own heartbeat has got in sync with the city’s - and there is nothing I love more (except reading and doughnuts). The moon showed me that night - how much the city was a reflection of my soul. That reflection was something which could only be seen in a divine, pure, unaffected light – like the moonlight.

I believe the main reason why I love the moon is because I connect with it. The moon is never the same always – it waxes and wanes, it changes shape. I am extremely sure that whenever I saw a full moon, there seemed to be something different about it since when I last saw it. It appears as though the moon has its moods. When it’s happy – it shines silvery, illuminating everything on the earth. When it is thoughtful or pensive – it appears faded and mystical… and melts through the dark clouds surrounding it. It is as if even though the moon is aware of her feelings, she knows it is her job to shine on – and she braves through the dark clouds that threaten to envelope her.

She waxes and wanes – but that is only for us to appreciate her full value more. If we saw her in her completeness every day, we probably would have ended up taking her for granted. She reminds us that like her, life comes in a cycle. It may seem as though happiness is fading – but it is sure to return in time. It may seem as if life is getting better and better – but like the waxing moon, it is destined to reach a peak and then fade. The moon reminds us to be hopeful when everything is hopeless, and to be humble when everything seems to be wonderful.

I write this as I gaze out of my bedroom window. I realize that while I live in an area flooded with streetlights, and other white light coming from homes, I can always make out moonlight – it is silvery, it is serene, it is natural – and it is beautiful. It’s a presence – a reflection, an awareness of divinity. Like an angel gently slipping her warm hand in mine.

You are so full of shit – aren't you?

This article is dedicated to all the judgmental people out there. Hate you guys …. You suck!!!

This is the first time I have actually ever acknowledged their presence. Mostly, I pretend that they don’t exist. I treat such voices ultrasonic, such expressions faceless, and basically - to me, the space containing them is empty. They don’t deserve my time and attention - I, unlike them, HAVE a life. However, this article isn’t about turning the tables and judging them. No – I was recently faced with the unpleasant reality that while some people like me are able to ignore these morons, others can’t. And one such person was a friend of mine who was deeply hurt by someone’s very insensitive remarks. Thus, this article is for my friend – and all those of you who have fallen victim at some point to such unnecessary acid behavior. I will now start addressing all the judgmental people out there.

You walk around with hate and bitterness in your heart. You voice your opinions to anyone and everyone who will listen. As per the opinions of your cronies and you, the happy-go-lucky single girl is a leper. You will tell her and everyone else that she is a slut, and that while she can party and have fun with “strange boys” as long as she is young, she is headed towards disaster because she will one day be all alone. Strangely enough – you don’t say this to single men, unless they are in a financially better position than you/your husband/son/etc.

As per you, the young boys or girls who live in the flat above yours are nuisances who ought to be arrested. You think that Kareena Kapoor and Rihanna are big time sluts. No doubt, you would have read with glee any gossip on a tabloid which says horrible things about them. If like Nafisa Joseph, any of them fall victim to misfortune, instead of pitying them, you tell everyone “I always knew, that person was always trouble”. However, if you happen to accidentally meet them somewhere (you certainly are not among those people who would meet them on a regular basis), you wouldn't think twice before greedily begging for an autograph, or hassling them for a selfie.

You think that successful men always have double dealings with the mafia and are selfish. You think that teenagers ought to be “seen, but never heard”. You think that books and media these days are full of “unsavory stuff”, and completely enjoy the censor board’s annoying messages and forced edits on movies and serials. You think that your neighbors' kids who are studying in US are becoming “uncultured” (unless your own live abroad as well). You think that your colleague’s son is having an affair, and that other people’s daughters are sluts (unless they resemble yours in any aspect). You believe that your female colleague who just got promoted has been sleeping with the bosses, and your male colleague who got promoted is a kiss-ass. You feel that divorced people have serious mental or sexual issues. You think that rape victims deserve what they got. The list is endless.

But let’s think really hard – in this list, is anyone your friend? The real reason why you feel this way is because in the bottom of your heart, you realize that you are nothing. You have no special talent, you have absolutely no charm, and are completely boring. Probably, you even think that your own kids or spouse are unremarkable. You cannot even have a full conversation with anyone, because you can’t think of anything to say. You are facing serious insecurity issues with members of your immediate family, and bitterly realize that you don’t have the capability of changing your life.

Thus, you have no friends, and are completely alone. Being devoid of talent or personality, you develop idiosyncrasies or heavy opinions on popular people – because you think that it will make you stand out, and protect you from letting other people know the truth about you. The truth which you desperately wish you could change – that you and/or your family are completely unremarkable, boring and below average.

Do realize – people are not fools. We see right through you. Just because we tolerate you doesn't mean that we don’t. Maybe it doesn’t really matter to you – but your behavior is probably affecting your immediate family in a very negative way. While they are not our problem, do take this as a warning – DO NOT underestimate us, and learn to behave. If you cannot accept yourself or others, at least learn to keep your trap shut. There may be a few simple, innocent people who get temporarily fazed by what you tell them. Just remember – there will always be strong, powerful cynics like us who are everywhere. We will help your victims as well as every person you associate with on a daily basis to realize the truth – that you are full of shit. Don’t worry – we will never harm you physically. We just pity you – being in your head, your ego, your shoes for that matter - is the modern equivalent of inferno.