In the Quest for Perfection

Life is wierd. It tries its best at first, to show you that there can be more to it. You dont want to believe - you are not really interested. There is work to be done, and responsibilities to be shouldered. But life keeps pushing all its beautiful things right in your face. And you cannot help but notice. The warm look in your friend's face - when he gently insists that its late and that you should be dropped home. You try and resist - you are after all a big girl, and you can manage. You have always managed in the past, and there is no sense in believing now that things are different. But then you look in his eyes, and realise that you should just let go - it would make him so happy. You give in.

There are many other such things - which life keeps pushing. The beauty of the full moon, hidden in clouds. The sound of the sea in mild tide. The sudden wind blowing your hair gently on a humid evening. The fragnance of roses from the flower shop on the way to the station. The gentle warmth of the sun after battling through meetings in the heavily air conditioned office. The fullness and perfectness of the magenta sun as it gives its last rays of light before it moves on to the other side of the world. The mischievous grin on your neighbour's son as he sneaks in through your door to retrieve his ball. These are a few things which you just cant resist - they make you feel human.

But then - just when you start believing that your life is perfect, and you have made your peace with the fact that you are destined to live in a particular way - life starts bitching. It then takes such a marvellous hair pin turn, that you start spinning out of control. Suddenly - its not so perfect anymore. And you are left feeling confused.

I saw "Rockstar" recently. Definitely not one of the best movies - it was overly long, and they could have easily ended the movie perfectly an hour in advance, instead of dragging it endlessly to infinite boredom. Sometimes, you just cant help thinking that Bollywood movie directors are either complete fools, or are just plain sadists. They just dont realise that people - their target audience are a tired, tired bunch, who at the end of a long week just dont have the patience to appreciate BS.

But the music was simply amazing. And they managed to show one thing perfectly - that the perfect love story simply cannot exist. When 2 people are in love, any one of the scenarios will happen. 1. They end up together, but eventually break off. 2. Society's rules doesnt let them stay together. There will be angry parents, dozens of rules, things like caste, religion, war, etc stopping them from being happy together. and 3. Everything works out - society just gives up being its bitchy self, and accepts that nothing can stop the 2 of them from being together. And then, one of them dies.

Some people may argue that perfect loves stories do exist, and this is just what they show in movies. But believe me - I have seen a lot of life, and surely, at least one of the 3 things happen. The whole question is - when does one give up?? The practical ones just give up, and settle for things which are less than perfect. The idealists ..... what happens to them?? And when they reach the point when they just cant take heartbreaks anymore - what do they do????

Emptiness

Feeling alone and miserable is a familiar feeling. You feel this way generally when you have lost something really important in life. It could be your job, someone you loved, a relationship, a friendship, anything. At these times, they say that the best thing to do is to keep a brave heart, and introspect. Even better, try and spend time with someone totally unrelated to your own tragedy. Keeping your mind occupied on other, simpler things eases the pain. Soon, you start feeling more normal again. The pain which you felt before from your loss lessens. You feel as though it was all a part of a distant dream – something that happened several million years ago. You think about yourself as a person now and then, and then realise – exactly how much you have changed.


But then it happens again. And again. Several times. Fate plunges its knife at you several times, like a serial killer gone completely psychotic. You keep telling yourself – This time, I have learned. Like Eminem – you firmly vow – There will be a No next time. Unfortunately, real life isn’t like the Simpsons. It isn’t a show where someone will read the moral of the story, and you move on. Real life is a lot more complicated than that. You end up becoming a victim – helpless, defenceless, and wounded.

But what is the end product of this mess? You start feeling completely empty. This is the price your soul pays after your dignity has been attacked – not once, but several times. You lead a normal life as per social norms – you meet up with people, you go to work, you party, read – do all the stuff which a normal happy person usually does. But deep down inside, you know that it really isn’t you. Your heart is just not in it. You realise that every single word out of your mouth is purely mechanical – you feel like a robot which has been specially programmed to behave human. Someone cries – you offer sympathy. Someone laughs – you laugh with them. You have a one night stand with some random guy – you smile and say goodbye. But you know that deep down inside, you don’t feel a thing.

But there is always hope. And this is the magic of life. It takes a hit at you yet again – but from a completely different side. And when it does, instead of feeling miserable and angry – or even empty – you actually feel wonderful. Because the hurt that you feel, the pain that makes you well up – makes you realise that you are not completely stone. There are still feelings left in you – there is still something. And this is the something that you have to hang on to.

Maybe you will not get exactly what you wanted. Maybe you will not get where you wanted to be, in the time that you expected. But you gotta realise – life is a huge gamble. You play right, you win. And the key to playing right, is to trust your own instincts. And if you lose – well, you have to survive that.

The Gamble that is Love

Nah, this isnt about a dog. Its not even as serious as it sounds... nobody died, and so if you are expecting something dead serious, then you can think again.



Its just that sometimes... Well, most of the time, life is a real bitch. It gives you a whole new world.. it makes you feel as though you rule. But then, it takes it all away. You suddenly find someday that you have been living in a dream, and that everything is not what it seems. Its like - the joke's on you, and you never knew it all along.



There are a lot of movies about love, and life. That whole thing about finding yourself, and who you are, and then finding true love, and knowing yourself enough to say that it is what you really want - well, in my opinions its all crap. Thats because most of these movies only tell you the good stuff that makes you believes things which are statistically improbable. They conviniently leave out all those little things which really defines life or relationships. Smart n confused boy/gal oneday suddenly gets it all - career, life, social status and love, because of some event that occurs in the movie. There are also a lot of movies that tell you to be courageous - to kiss slowly, confess quickly, laugh loudly, and love truly. They dont however, tell you how to deal with times when you feel as though your life is an abyss - like its stuck at one point, and no matter how much you try, you just cant move past.



But here is what I feel. I feel that its not about "finding courage". Its more like "taking the gamble". Its all very easy to believe all the crap that movies,songs and books throw out at you, not to mention all the gyaan you recieve from various people around you - well wishers of course. But when what you fear the most happens, when you lose the person you love the most because you believed a bit too much, or too soon, then you find yourself all alone. You dont really wanna be with any of those well wishers, and you only feel like screaming when you see movies, or read romance novels. And you dont even want to be with your friends - because although they are concerned about your sadness, they dont really get it. And there are certain things, which no one can ever tell or advise you. FOr instance, no one can tell you what to do when you feel desparate. No one tells you how to deal with gnawing feelings of loss, and how to shut that stupid voice in your head, which keeps reminding you of the way the whole situation started - because of your own impromptu decision. No one can tell you what to do or how to make yourself feel better when a voice in your head keeps saying over and over again - This is your own fault.



So basically, you come to the conclusion that it is useless to even believe that there is something called as the "perfect love story" or even "perfect relationship". Take a look in the chronicals - have the people who have been in perfect love stories ever lasted? Romeo and Juliet died tragically, So dod Laila & Majnu, Heer & Ranjha, Sohni and Mahiwal - even in P.S I love you, the couple had a perfect love story - which ended in tragedy because Gerry got a tumour and died. The rest of the stories in the world - either end in complete boredom where love eventually dies a sad death, or the people who get married just end up compromising on everything, and focusing on other aspects of life.



Is it worth making such a decision? Just to shut the mouths of nosy neighbours and annoying relatives, is it really worth gambling your life away, and then conceeding to be in a marriage that is just not you? Or is it worth taking the risk and admitting your love to the perfect someone when you meet them, knowing that it would most probably end in heartbreak, and the subsequent loss of a wonderful friend from your life forever? Is the perfect love story - which has everlasting passion, friendship, joy and companionship - and which is so elusive for some reason only god knows - worth the risk?

Finding a reason to live

There is no way by which I can begin this post. How does one start to describe their feelings when they have lost every reason to live? When life looks like an endless obstacle course, with absolutely no goal to bear them for? Everything feels just too depressing, things which I once cared about feel meaningless, and there is absolutely no reason for me to go on.

Random thoughts - what if I end it all? everything would be over. No matter what people say, about living life, about appreciating the value of life, etc, etc... all feels like bullshit. The truth is that there is no end to the nonsense which the world will put you through. the world has changed now... it is no more a place where people who are loving, caring and straightforward can survive. there is only place for the mean, the cowardly, the uncaring, the selfish, and the people who never reveal what they are really thinking, even if it were god standing before them. If the whole world is this way, then there is no use of being yourself. And if you cannot be yourself, there is no point in living.

People are weird these days.I remember the good old days when we were taught that as long as your intentions are good, you will always be able to get your message through. Not anymore. people these days judge everyone according to the way they see themselves. if they themselves are capable of cheating, lying and manipulating someone, they automatically assume you are too. No one stops to think that you are a different person, and that you may have genuine reasons for your actions. There is absolutely no logic applied in such situations - people simply judge you the way they want to, since they just need a reason to reject you from their lives. And you may fall dead before them, but they will never admit that this is how they feel.


And so, one may ask, what is the whole point of living? It is all a lie - the truth is that no one gives a rat's ass. And after all the money and the power in the world, what is the use when you cannot share it with people who you really love? and someone who loves you back - with all your faults.

This isn't a suicide note. All I was trying to do is introspect into the minds of the people who feel this way. But the, i feel at times like this, it is like working the treadmill. It feels extremely exhausting as you are running on it - the blood is pounding through your head. You feel that you need to hit the emergency stop button - and now. But then there is a voice whispering - just a little more, just a little more. And then your workout completes ultimately. You then feel extremely proud of yourself - because you did not give up.

Maybe that what life is all about. Pushing yourself to test your own limits of forbearance. So maybe, giving life another chance is worth it. Maybe we don't need to find a reason right now - maybe we should, for a change, let the reason find us.

Somebody needs you

Like a shining star, you light up my way,
Like the singing bird, you brighten my day,
Your eyes are beacons of hope and trust,
Your words are dew drops to my thirst

My heart lightens up at your very name,
My love flares up like a new flame,
But you are always so far away
Do you even hear what i say?

You are always so lost in a world of your own,
Unaware of the love that has grown,
In my heart, for you - my love,
You smile unaware, and give me a casual shrug

But there is something you should know,
There is someone who loves you so,
Somebody needs you now,
Somebody wants your love somehow.

Somebody's thoughts are full of you,
Somebody prays for you and only you,
Somebody looks for reasons to take your name,
Somebody doesn't feel anymore the same.

Open up your eyes, talk to me
Feel my love, see the love in me,
Open up your heart, and you will see,
I am your only destiny.

When the going gets tough

Too common. I know. Please dont groan. Please read the entire blog before you dismiss it as unneccesarry and mundane. I promise you, I ll not write the usual crap about life and I wont give any gyaan. Well, I ll try to keep it to a minimal.

My mother always tells me that as a child, I was adorable. I was chubby and good-tempered always. Except for a phase when I couldn't bear anyone to even look at me, and would resort to high - pitched screaming if anybody committed that grievous mistake - clearly my extreme levels of social discomfort was obvious right since then. Even later, as a teenager and a college - goer, I was a positive, sunny-natured and happy - go - lucky person who had all her priorities right and was in love with the world. Everything went right for me - I had great friends, I did extremely well in my studies, met the love of my life, partied hard and landed a great job in a great company. Even at my job, I had wonderful colleagues, and I succeeded in gaining admission into a good b-school.

But somehow along the way, I changed. I became cynical, bitter and disappointed. I went spiralling down from bad to worse. I lost many friends - a couple to death, others to fate. B-school turned out to be a hasty decision. I lost a job that I enjoyed and which was paying me well to a life full of rejection, pain and loss. I had no confidence in myself anymore and I no longer believed in life or any of its magic. I felt it was over for me - and that I ll never be able to get out of the darkness. dark thoughts plagued me night and day, I couldn't be civil to anybody, and I fell deeper into darkness, hid in it, even revelled in it, mostly because I did not like myself anymore - and it was too hard to face the truth. It was much easier to hide.

But then, again, God took mercy on me. I was given opportunities that I never expected and which gave me some of my old confidence back. I realised, that the only thing that was coming in between me and happiness was myself.

So, I here I am. Hopefully, on the path of healing. I have accomplished the 1st step - understood what was going on. I am trying to accept myself, and life. I tell myself daily, that in order for other people to feel like giving me opportunities, I must first of all love myself, and forgive myself. If I don't love myself, or respect myself, nobody will. And as far as life is concerned - I have accepted that I cannot control it. The things that I can control - like taking sensible day-to-day decisions, being positive and taking responsibility for myself are being taken care of by me - finally. I am not using pathetic excuses anymore to avoid taking responsibility of my own actions. I am not totally in charge yet, but I know I will get there. I am getting there.

Even if I cannot anymore find that happy girl who I used to be and love, I will cherish her memories, accept her loss and move on. And meanwhile, I will understand the girl who has taken her place, and try to forgive her. She needs my love and attention too - We both need each other now more than ever- else we will both fall apart.

Voluntarily Yours!!

As we move into the new age, colleges and institutions are becoming more and more focussed towards working for social causes. Students studying various courses are now using a part of their spare time to help the under privileged. While most B-school students focus on using their newly acquired (or otherwise) marketing skills, financial acumen or entrepreneurship skills to provide a better means of livelihood to various people, like HIV\AIDS affected women, local artists of remote villages, and various others; students from other courses help the society in other ways, like organising blood donation camps, de-worming programmes at various slums, etc.
But few students volunteer at certain places – like suicide prevention help lines, old-age homes, adoption centres, teaching slum kids, etc. These programmes usually involve providing emotional support and other means of guidance to the under – privileged. They are like vocations – they need training, certain amount of natural skills like patience, kindness and devotion, and most of all, they need dedication. Students may not always join for the right reasons – such students may eventually drop out of these programmes.
These programmes can only be truly successful if the volunteers perform the activities with a true heart and an unselfish mind. These activities won’t be successful if people treat them like just another job that needs to be done for gaining some personal benefit. Successful programmes are those whose volunteers are passionate about the cause, and give the cause a top priority over other personal activities. People who join due to selfish reasons – like getting a certificate to make their CV look better – eventually lose interest and leave the programme. But in doing so, they break their commitment to the people who needed their help and who did not deserve to be abandoned again.
So before you volunteer, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes, volunteering helps you find qualities in yourself that you did not know you had – like ability to understand people, or selflessness. These programmes - when done unselfishly, without expecting anything in return - give you joys which even a bank job in the US will never be able to provide. They give you a sense of inner peace and belonging. Sometimes, the images which we will have to deal with may be pretty disturbing. Sometimes, we may have to forego the things which we dearly love – like movies with friends, picnics, parties, etc and make compromises. But your heart feels cleansed and light – which makes it all worth it. They say, God is in all our hearts, we need to accept and feel his presence. No wonder then, these programmes make you feel this way – Because, after all, serving people is the best way to serve god.